Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
