Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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