the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
