im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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