I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
