you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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