i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
