Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
