So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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