Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
