i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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