I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
