how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
