Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I am one with the molecules
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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