Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
