I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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