There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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