i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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