My nipple is on Facebook.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
