Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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