New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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