worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think I sprained my soul last night
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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