i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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