This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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