dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
