Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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