I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
