I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
