Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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