I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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