I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
