You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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