I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
