I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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