I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
