Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
