i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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