i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
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halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
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Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize