do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We were destined to go to rehab together
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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