Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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