I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
