I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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