You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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