i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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