Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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