this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
