you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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