Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
