I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
