My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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