I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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