just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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