He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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