i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
