Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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