So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
