Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
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He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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